Monday, February 23, 2009

My 3 Angels

I wrote this a while ago and i finally got around to scrapping it today. It is about my experience having 3 miscarriages. The colours don't look that great in the photo, but it is actually a lemon -yellowy colour. It looks better in real life. Some of you may have already read this.
The Journaling reads...

My 3 Angels..

People often say that the day their children were born is one of the best days of their lives and I would have to agree. But to Adam and I, it meant so much more.

This is the story that I want to tell about my 3 angels.

I first fell pregnant in 2004. Not knowing what to expect Adam and I were very excited. We found an obstetrician
( Dr Love ) and booked our first appointment for the time that I would be 10 weeks. I didn’t feel overly sick during the first few weeks and just considered myself lucky. The morning of our appointment arrived. Adam took the morning off work, to come with me. While waiting for our turn to go in, I was getting very excited that I was going to see our little baby on the screen. Dr Love, began the ultrasound, and a look of concern came across his face. I was also looking at the screen, hoping to see something…. Dr Love then, explained to us that he was terribly sorry, but the foetus was there, but there was no heartbeat. I had miscarried. My heart sank. What did this mean… WHY?... From that moment on, I don’t think I heard much more about what Dr Love was saying, I think I just went into auto-mode. The foetus had not miscarried by itself and I was to be booked in for a D&C the next morning. At the time I didn’t cry, I think I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel, how was I supposed to react???
Adam and I drove home pretty quietly. As we drove home I became quite teary. How was I going to explain this to my family and friends, they were all waiting in anticipation for me to ring and tell them the good news. When I rang Mum, it was then that I broke down and cried. I was sad. Sad for me, sad for Adam, sad for us. Over time, I was able to get through it and we continued with our lives. I would fall pregnant again, tests showed that it was a chromosomal defect and the foetus would not have survived anyway.
She was a little girl.

It was in 2005 that I fell pregnant again. I was worried from the very beginning, but everyone kept telling me, you’ll be fine, everything will be fine. But I couldn’t convince myself. I think it was my way of protecting my self from being hurt again. Dr Love booked me in for an earlier scan, at about 8 and a half weeks. Adam and I had made the decision that we would tell our family and friends, that I was pregnant again because should anything go wrong, I wanted their support.
The scan went really well, there was a heart beat and the baby looked fine.

The relief was so overwhelming. Adam and I were going to be parents. I think, because I thought that everything would be fine, Adam didn’t come to my 10 week scan. Dr Love, began the scan and as soon as he placed the ultrasound onto my stomach I knew that there was no heart beat. The foetus was not the size that it should be at 10 weeks. It had not grown, from the size it was a couple of days after the first scan I had. Here I was again in the same situation, but I was Alone…. I rang Adam and he came. How can this be happening, surely it couldn’t happen again to us. I was to have another D&C the next day.
Adam was hit hard by this miscarriage. He found it quite difficult. He was there to support me, but I knew he was hurting to. I think I was ok, because I was protecting my self from the very beginning. I couldn’t convince myself that it would be ok until I was 12 weeks, and I was right. Tests showed that it was another chromosomal defect. Dr Love kept saying, unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do. It’s just nature.
She was another little girl.

People kept saying…”oh it’s for the best”… they obviously didn’t know how I was feeling. I know they were only trying to say the right thing, but it hurt. I was sad, I was angry but most of all. I was disappointed. Why me??

I knew I wanted kids and with Adam’s support, we tried again. Sam was born in 2006. He was our first special little man.

It was in 2007, that I suffered my third miscarriage. I think this one hurt the most, because we had Sam and knew how precious these little babies were. It was like De ja’vu. Everything was the same. I had an early scan that showed there was no heart beat. The foetus had not miscarried naturally, so I was to have a 3rd D& C the following morning.
He was a little boy.

In January 2008, Nic was born. He is our second gorgeous little man.

We will hopefully have more children, god willing. And whatever happens, I know that I have the most wonderful husband in the world, 2 gorgeous boys and an amazing extended family that love us and will be there for us.

My wish is that My 3 Angels, have been blessed to another Family who needs them.


suzitee said...

Kris, I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. I am so sorry you have had to feel that pain, not once but three times. It is such a misconception that having babies is something that you automatically can do, something that everyone can do. It just isn't. Each and every child that is born is such a blessing, and we should never take it for granted. I hope your dreams of having another will come true...
Hugs...and thanks for sharing your journaling. It is beautiful xxx

Vicki said...

Thank you Kris for sharing with us. It is not until you talk about it that you realised how many other women have been through what you have and can understand it all.
Vicki xx

johnty66 said...

Do you write these just to upset me and make me a blubbering mess at work ... Is that your intention


Kris said...

Yep...ha ha ha!

Susan C said...

I have to admit that your post opened up some old wounds. I have two angels but for some reason God made us work hard for those two and didn't give us a chance for another. While I don't believe they were given to another family like you do, I do believe that I will meet them when I go to heaven and will recognise them, just as they know each other.

Give your boys a hug for me.

Jo Kay said...

You are truly amazing Kris - thank you so much for sharing. This is what scrapbooking is all about, sharing not only the lovely moments, but the moments that are sometimes difficult to understand and make sense of. Your journaling is so real and I feel honoured to be able to share in the precious memories of your "3 Angels"
Thank you!
Jo x